We talked last night, and I told him what half of my heart has been feeling for these 6 months away from him. I told him I love him, confirmed his question about my living with another man. Sober. How could I do this to him? How could I do this to T? My heart wants him. Maybe God wants us to be together. Or maybe all He is waiting for is for me to let myself heal. To stop this 6-year harlotry. To own up to my affair with C's best friend. I woke up lying on my back, struck with the Fear. Dread. What have I done? I am not who he thinks I am. How could I make plans to leave T, run into C's arms again, when I have the darkest secret a woman could keep. That night, I took his ecstasy, and I let him touch me, his best friend. His companion, go-to guy. Who does that? Not the Laura I used to be. Not even the Laura I led him to believe I was at the start of the relationship.
Fear still courses through my veins. It turns at the turns. I'd love if love remained.
Last night, I went to sleep to a forum post about shooting meth. How could I? The same reason I couldn't tell Tristan I don't love him. Because I'm a c-o-w-a-r-d.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FFSCF0gXt0
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